


grey skies / holy branches

by VeteranKlaus



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26178187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeteranKlaus/pseuds/VeteranKlaus
Summary: Ben is seventeen years old when he knows he has to make a decision.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 75





	grey skies / holy branches

**Author's Note:**

> Literally just pure sadness because I can.

Ben is seventeen years old when he knows he has to make a decision.

He thinks he’s known for a while, though; possibly forever. It’s something that’s been sitting in the back of his head for as long as he can really remember, something that has loomed over him before he even knew it was there, getting darker and heavier like a storm the older he got and the more he understood it.

At first, when the realisation had hit him, he had thought he was stupid. That it was such a stupid thing to think, that it would never happen nor never have to happen. But years had passed and his denial began to crumble and fade and, really, this was inevitable; whether it happened now or thirty years in the future.

The thing is, Ben has The Horror. Ben has always had The Horror. They are a part of him despite how much he might deny that; no matter how much he might hate them, and hate them he does - though not all the time.

He hates what they do. He hates that he is so close with them, that he is a part of them and they are a part of him. He hates that, sometimes, he understands them in a way. He can feel them, he can feel impressions of emotions sometimes, and living with them for so long has gotten him familiar with them and their behaviour, their personality, almost. 

His siblings think The Horror is just a monster, and they may be just that, but Ben knows them more than that, and he hates it. If they are a monster, and if they are a part of him, what does that make him? If they are nothing without Ben, if Ben is the reason they can hurt and maim and kill, what does that make Ben?

They do horrible things to people, and Ben lets them. Although, not all the time, and that - that’s partly what scares him.

Over the years, his control over them has gotten better, but not complete, and he’s slowly begun to accept the fact that he never will be able to control them. They poke and prod at him every day, curious and wanting to be let out, hungry and violent. Some days are better than others; some days Ben sits on the floor of his bedroom, curled up as tightly as he can, as if holding his arms around his stomach might be a good attempt at physically keeping them inside of himself. Some days Ben trembles in fear that he won’t be able to keep them at bay; that their next mission will be too far away and they will get too bloodthirsty to wait for criminals to tear apart, and will seek out his family instead.

There have been some close calls. Ben keeps that a secret to himself, but there have been days where it has been such a close call, and they just - they keep getting worse, lately. Maybe The Horror is getting bigger or stronger as they get older too, or maybe Ben’s control is just slipping despite how he throws himself desperately into his training, but - it’s getting harder. 

And Ben knows, one day, he isn’t going to be able to hold them back. Whether that’s in a week or a month or ten years; whether that’s on a mission, or in the Academy, or if it’s simply in public. He won’t be able to hold them back, and someone innocent is going to get horrifically hurt, if not killed.

He doesn’t tell his family about these thoughts. He knows they’d call him ridiculous, tell him to just keep training if he’s really that scared, say all the things he told himself years ago when he was younger and actually believed hurt and death was avoidable, but then again, the Umbrella Academy isn’t what it once was.

A few months ago, Diego told him he was going to run away. He doesn’t know what spurred Diego on to telling him this, but he did one night, away from everyone else. He told Ben he should leave, too. Ben didn’t agree with him, and now Diego’s gone, and Vanya is too, and Klaus is here less and less these days, and The Horror isn’t satisfied and Ben wants so badly to be with his siblings, to do good, and it isn’t going to happen. It can’t happen. 

Ben runs a hand down his stomach. They have been unsettled today, writhing beneath his skin, but they’ve been unsettled for a long time now. He wonders if they know what he’s been thinking. 

Ben wants to do good. Ben wants to be with his family. He’s afraid of what is going to happen to the Academy now, his siblings trickling away one by one, falling apart. He imagines himself leaving too, getting a job, going to school; living a normal life.

But Ben can never live a normal life, no matter what his siblings might say and no matter how much he might want it, because Ben lives with The Horror. 

So, Ben makes a decision. 

Honestly, it doesn’t scare him as much as it probably should. Years of sitting in the back of his head has numbed him to his reality and brought him around to the inevitability of his situation, and he assures himself that it’s the right thing to do, really. He’s saving people from getting hurt or killed by him in the future.

He prepares for a few days; thinks about how to do it for several days. He writes letters, because he knows his family will be upset, even if he knows that no words will be able to comfort them or help them understand his situation like Ben does. He writes them nonetheless, and hopes they’ll get them, leaving them all out on his dresser. Grace will probably find them and she’ll give them to his siblings, he’s sure of it. 

He doesn’t want it to be painful, but using The Horror always is and he can’t imagine something being worse than that. If it hurts, it won’t hurt forever. 

He had considered, first, trying to break into the infirmary and raiding the medication in there, but once Klaus’ drug use became more evident and he began to do just that, Grace moved medications away and locked them up better. If there’s something that will take him out, he won’t be able to get his hands on it.

He considers, briefly, waiting until Klaus goes out again, because he always goes out, and trying to find anything in his bedroom, but he dismisses the thought quickly. Klaus would never forgive himself and he couldn’t do that to him.

So, Ben has a few options left over. It takes him a couple of days before he settles on his decision and gets the courage to do it. 

His family won’t understand, but Ben knows that he’s doing the right thing in the long run, even if he’ll miss everyone horribly. He can’t say his goodbyes either, other than in the letters, but he does his best to let Luther, Allison and Klaus know that he loves them without saying it in a way that might warn them or alert them, and then that’s all he can do, and he stops delaying the inevitable even more. 

It’s been snowing recently, and it’s cold out when Ben sneaks out of his bedroom past curfew to go to the roof. It’ll probably snow again soon. He thinks about when he was younger, when the Umbrella Academy was whole and close, when they’d spend their free time out in the courtyard, making snowmen and battling with snowballs and trudging back into the house wet and freezing cold. 

He shivers, clothes doing nothing to protect him from the cold in the air, biting at his nose and his cheeks. The Horror twists in his gut, pushes at him as if it can pry him open, and maybe it can. Ben closes his eyes and focuses on shoving it back, on keeping himself together.

He cracks his eyes open again. In the dark, he peers down, over the raised edge of the roof. Allison and Luther come up here, sometimes, to hang out. He wishes he’d come up here more; he’s sure the view would be nice, but now it’s too dark outside to see anything. He can hardly make out the courtyard floor far below him.

There’s a little thrill of fear in his stomach and he exhales; shakes out his hands by his sides, and then lets his shoulders slump as he turns his head up to the sky. 

All he wants is to do good, and he’s killed so many people and hurt so many more. He doesn’t want to do it anymore, but The Horror will always be with him, always bloodthirsty and more powerful than him. 

There’s only one way he can really stop them, and Ben has known this for a long time now. He’s been long resigned to this fact, and there’s a small comfort in knowing that it’s finally here, after so long of trying to deny it, and run from it, and all the anxiety of delaying it and still hurting more people. 

He turns, because he’s afraid to look at the floor. He stands on his toes and there’s nothing beneath his heels. Ben rests a hand on his writhing stomach, and he stares up at the sky above him, and then he falls.


End file.
